As it has been a year, I thought I should fill in some of the blanks. We have been through some massive changes; Noah has started school, Neal has returned from his secondment and is back at The Prince’s Trust. And as for me, well where do I start…
I left my job, as I write this, I am close to tears, you see I loved my job, but I saw too many people die, friends who could not beat the disease of addiction, and as much as I tried to “keep my professional hat on” it began to hurt. In an environment of so much pain, suffering and hurt, I too began to break down. I wanted to write how I was feeling, I wanted to stand up and shout, “No you don’t understand, they need love, they need respect, they need to feel wanted and worthwhile” but in an working environment all the bosses, commissioners and the government are interested in is targets, statistics and treatment exits. So I silently left, feeling defeated that my time there had served no purpose.
When the doors opened for me to return to university to complete an English and History degree, it was like God was saying, “here you go Bianca, go follow your dream”. Our spare room was converted into a study, I purchased the obligatory pencil case, highlighters and a fountain pen. And as Noah donned his school uniform and stood in the school playgroup with nervous trepidation, I too donned on my best “student” outfit and walk through the doors of UCS.
I am not going to lie to you, it has been hard, going back to studying, whilst trying to juggle being the best mummy and wife I can be. Too often I get it wrong, either assignments are late, or ill prepared. Or I find myself neglecting Mr Grumps needs over getting an assignment submitted. However, it has been deeply eye opening, I have realised, I love reading, I love the silence it allows in my brain. I too love learning from the past. But and there is a but. I missed my job, I missed seeing my clients, in what ever state they might be in, I missed holding their hands through adversities and I missed seeing their achievements. So I joined a chaplaincy team, I take time out of my week, to listen, to show love to those who are trapped in addiction. I take them to appointments, I drink coffee with them and tell them that it is possible to stop using drugs, to stop drinking one day at a time. I tell them I am not there to judge I am there because I want to be. In essence I tell them my story!